Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Buzzy's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, July 22nd, 2006
1:13 am	i am *this* tired with weaklings. this does not imply that i am exempt. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 1st, 2006
6:47 pm	revolting I remember back in the day when culture outlived people by hundreds of years. I'm thinkin' 4 to 6 thousand years ago... or maybe as recenlty as 1400. The United States is everyone's older brother. boorish, power-drunk, insecure, and undirected. it's also exquisite and over-acheiving. we wanted no rules (meaning we accepted *all* rules) and in tricking out our Rebellion's Nest bachelor pad, we painted ourselves in a corner. oh, and Europe, you can shut your hairy (if well-groomed) pie hole about propriety and constance. we were *your* kids, remember? we were YOU when you decided you needed to become us. Do you recall when we all wanted to become rockstars, renegade inventors, true-sight philosophers, backpacking in our new backyards, shuffling by on the bakesales of raw natural commodities and intellectual properties? None of it is worth rebuking. Everyone wants a chance to be excitable, horny and new - but i mean, "with the rest of the band," "out on the field," "on the dancefloor," "around the table, books and chianti in hand." The Bacchanalias and Shinto cock-worshipping rituals should turn your embarrassed smirk into a smile... I'm bored by this "mine for the taking" 2-D brain-slip-slop crap. we all need to be ridiculous and loosly crewd with friends around to collapse in a heap with. I can't BELIEVE anyone was ever shamed by a vision of Paris Hilton. And where did all our writing go? Dress-up dance-halls? Now gratification means snorting a well-pressed power suit to go on an acquisition spree. Shoot a line of pure sadistic backtalk and hate all the humanity out of our Carbon, Hydrogen and Oxygen. Stomp-walk out on a Friday night, glammed up then thinned down with alcohol to see what kind of catch we can skewer. we are afraid. what's the big deal? you can't swollow the world to make it part of you, to make it go away (see: Chronos). But we don't ask for help, don't try to scream, don't hope too much for love, don't learn about death, just sew it all in and avoid it. and then one day it all came out... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 5th, 2006
1:06 am	Dear Mr. Warlock, your words lately - well, your thoughts, at least - move with the grace that i suspect YOU move in your scratchy panties made of kilt-wool, the pleats left in. don't bother. let the pencil grapple gravity. give the garden a bath and a sabbatical. the incoming crew will see to the rest. Begrudging Protocol, The Management (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, November 11th, 2005
6:59 pm	just shave a little of the frontal, wouldja? i want to be the blond bimbo big dick easy to get to to get through powerful taker wanted and sleep days like the nights. Current Music: chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 5th, 2005
1:40 am	i'm the planet whose core never cooled Sometimes having a strong command of the bare basics can make you feel like an expert. You listen to NPR for two afternoons in a row, and suddenly you're sure you have a grasp on economics. Watch a few games, compile your Fantasy Football team, and become a sage of athletics. It's the second round semifinals of olympic figure skating and you're balking at half-assed salchows and have a good feeling that the Czech Republic has a ringer champion in its ranks. With such authority i talk about Chaos. Figuratively, 'chaos' discribes disorder and disorientation, a buzzing mess that can be either a commotion or a void but is always impossible to discribe directly. My limited mathematical sources say that Chaos is the explosion - or maybe reduction - of systems. It is when factors and systems and constructs begin to trip over themselves in their rigor, and suddenly you've got effect with a knotted ball of causes trailing behind it. I like both explanations. The religious mythologies I've encountered all begin with a no-man's land of Chaos, an unknown against which the silhouette of the budding new Known can stand (and maybe pose for pictures, as in the Judeo-Christian tradition.) And the science world seems to love the mystique of chaos as something large and untouchable, like they've tapped into the mayhem that's coming up at the other end of the timeline - the craziness of celestial bodies and genetic mutation that they alone can interpret. My favorite way of interpreting Chaos is that it is huge and creative. It is bigger than any one of us, full even when it's empty; it makes things and dismantles them and returns them. They say that under perfect conditions, a pendulum will swing indefinitely and with perfect consistency; but set up enough of them moving at different frequencies, and suddenly you will be unable to find a pattern in the overall motion. Their world of movement becomes untrackable, unfathomable. Chaos is not the decay of the world, and it's not abolition or destruction; it's the overabundance of change and creation. I love that. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 31st, 2005
3:06 am	back from st. louis i had a great time. dre and i went as "marco" and "polo" and called out to each other from across the party. now it's back to work. there is a possibility of having some of my work shown, but i don't have anything that suits the theme: "seductive forms". i really want to be a part of this. i write everything pre-edited so if something difficult comes to me quickly and i'm not by the computer, then by the time i am, it's overworked and my brain is too bogged down to mess with it again. so i've let several things go tonight. more later; for now, goodnight, babies. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 26th, 2005
10:17 pm	"Scarlet's Walk" has me mesmerized. it's so weird. also i'm going to st. louis tomorrow afternoon to see dre. should be lots of fun. i just did a charcoal drawing that I HATE. that's all for now. <3, Whomever (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 25th, 2005
9:01 am	got a LOT of work ahead of me... and then i'm off to St. Louis to see Andrea. it's been busy, busy around here. - J (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 22nd, 2005
10:12 pm	i love the image of the gang knife-fight from M. Jackson's "Beat It" video, because they're trying to destroy each other with one hand while linked inextricably by the other. so many of the people that i love are very far away from me. communication is always by remote. neither the computer or phone have eyes, and how hard is it to really talk to someone when you can't see their eyes! i just need to accept that my lifestyle has changed more thoroughly in the last 3 months than it had in the 3 years prior. i live in a new state now, doing new things. the good and the bad are contained here, and while I have the old, i can't let the new slide - new routines, new goals, new challenges, new relationships... i'm in pittsburgh at the moment visiting my little brother and Melanie. it's been so great to see them both. not only do i get a little more elbow room than at home (it's just how it is, and how i may always feel. 'home' has thick walls and a heavy ceiling and so on, forever.) also, i can really talk in my native tongue around them. it's been such a long time, that i thought i was losing my accent, in a way. it's funny that by this time of the year (at least according to the deep, asymmetrical seasons of my heart and mind) i would be hidden somewhere under a rock, waiting to swollow back down the thoughts and fears that come with regurgitated challenges. lonely? angry? excited? again? so let's dance through this tune with a new tempo but familiar words. shit. i used to not talk at ALL. keep pushin' that rock up that hill... (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 20th, 2005
4:15 pm	i've been experimenting with regret a lot lately. like, i'll look at an unpleasant situation, and after my habitual reaction says, "wow, rough, but helpful - let's learn from this," i look again and might say, "no, that just sucked and i think i'll throw it away." i learned i my drawing class that i have a slight hesitence expressing the intuitive, creative, "right" side of my brain. no surprise there, really. i'm sick in some way or another. couldn't fall asleep, feel crappy now... my mood is pretty foul. so it goes. this just sucks. i think i'll throw it away. (Comment on this)
3:23 am	telecommunications i owe several of you phone calls. sorry to be so unpredictable; i promsise i'll call. love, me (Comment on this)
Monday, October 17th, 2005
10:54 am	BME BooHoo I haven't been on IAM:BME since, hm, the beginning of July? this after a relationship that started at its inception... i don't know if i miss it or not. i miss some of the people, and sometimes i miss expressing myself in that way... (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 13th, 2005
5:42 pm	one more thing: i have a question... when it comes to people, do you think "having what you want" is the overall goal? "Yes! He talked to me." "Yes! I slept with her." What's your theme? Your plan? Your gratification? lay it on me, people. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
5:32 pm	I'm a draftsman! that's what they call someone who draws, it turns out. being a 'drawer,' by contrast, is a dubious distinction... i'm putting a lot of time and thought into my drawing class, and that's a good thing. it's an activity that used to be a part of me and of how i function, and as it turns out, that limb wasn't severed; it just got tucked under until it lost partial feeling. i feel like i can start saying, "yeah, I do that, too." pretty much every day is a comparison between who i thought i was, and who, it's turning out, i actually am, or who i can be. i think living where i grew up has been a great influence - a catalyst and accelerator. i did life here one way, and now i can do it a totally new way. so i work on what i want to, i stand up for myself, i ignore what i want to, i mumble under my breath... all the shit that got intercepted, packed, and boxed. i now have several ideas about different suites of work, though i'm putting them on hold until i'm sure that metal is the way to go about getting them out. the good times in 2D remind me of alternate routes to the same destination. heh. i'm tired, and overall, feeling patently un-talkative. discussing this is naturally out of the question. some things take time... (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 9th, 2005
2:25 am	Jesus H. If I could keep myself from smoking (or staying up until 2 fucking 30) then I would be in the gym regularly and getting a great body a la Kelly. I figure now's the time, right? plus, better to go overboard from the tugboat of health then fall, all drunken, hacking, and clap-ridden, over the railing of the Cruiseliner of Self-Destructive Behavior. yeah, I didn't follow that one, either. in other news, i saw the Rodin/Claudel exhibit. beautiful and disturbing. I may say more about that later. in other other news, i drew a little tonight. oh, and I realized that I don't generally like playfully rude comments ("If I'd known you were gay, I would have totally sucked your cock") or cheeky swagger in general because it relies on me to buy into, or at least uphold, the persona being projected, and I say fuck that. Fake-it-til-you-make-it definitely has its place, but DON'T try to pawn a roll of quarters in your pants and a tin sword as power - I'm not impressed by your metaphorical dick, and you can't tussle with me because I haven't even shown you the arena. Current Mood: whatevs Current Music: mmmm, weird combo of things playing in my head (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 6th, 2005
9:08 pm	Grandpa bought us crab legs on sale for dinner last night. Ate 'em cold, with butter. yum. I'm thinking it's not a total coincidence to be eating treyf so close to the High Holy Days. For Grandpa, the dullest, most bitter death of the Holocaust was God. Then again, Symbolism is a fucking opportunist. As I took my first crack into the shell last night, I thought, "wow. this used to be a part of an animal. it's pretty unusaual these days for food to be so recongizable." That's the crux of much political vegetarianism, it would seem, but I took it another direction. "I like that I know what I'm eating. I can actually have a respect for my food and how it got to me." My Grandpa even piped in about a Nat. Geo. special on crab-trapping in the Baltic. Completely uninfluenced by my inner dialogue, which I kept hidden, I swear. I finished the last of the crab standing at the kitchen sink, and realized that this is also the reason that love, everywhere, has left, vanished, bound itself up with a steely grimace that hold more place for strength than sadness and taken to the hills. People used to know people and where they came from. We knew our histories, the stories of our eldest relatives, the pasts of our neighbors and our surroundings. I think then, people fell in love when they lit up for each other the unselfconcious possibility of their own humanity - the fertility of their minds, hearts, and imaginations, as well as their bodies. Now we are more mindful and more in control. We tinker with and manage more of the clockworks of what keeps our lives running. Even medicine and technology, the scapegoats blamed for thinning or over-polishing our human passions, are just the great grandkids of agriculture and organization... None of it's evil, but it is unprecedented and thus scary. We know more about what we are and how to manipulate that, and so we are dissected. All of the gears are pulled out of the machine and we ponder what it was that used to keep us synced with the systems of our past. We are proteins, carbohydrates, hormones, social constructions, 70% manmade fiber, record your favorite programming while you're out. What is there to love, anymore? I think it used to be the trick of excitement and newness that made way for more anchored wisdom to pass between two star-struck strangers. Now it's a hot ass/mild to wild/likes passion/like my life, no relationship now. Well, that was one of my thoughts, anyawy. I can't put anymore together tonight. P.S. My drawing instructor is going to put my homework on display. let's hear it for getting an A! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 5th, 2005
10:47 pm	the caterpillar and the fly I open my door, and no one steps inside. So I come in through yours, when it's open, but you don't want to make the space it takes to fit all of me. EVEN though I'm willing to squeeze down. (Comment on this)
4:21 pm	we can try to talk it over/ if you say you'll help me out so now I just get angry to keep myself from being sad or disappointed - a tactic more overplayed than a TRL lovesong. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
10:48 am	whimsical My dreams are frustrating lately. They are very long and very detailed, and so stressful/engrossing that they keep me from waking up. Such is my unconscious logic; if a dream is uncomfortable in some way, I *must* see it through until everything equalizes. This morning, that meant 2 hours past my alarm. Blech. So, yeah, last night's dream: I went to services with my parents (again with the religion stuff!) but decided to not go in. I was outside and feeling surly for some unknown reason, when a group of kids goes tearing around and tumbling and telling each other stories... "My dad STOLE our dog and gave it to me!" "Oh yeah? well, MY step-dad stole our CAR!" I piped in and told the kids how awful that was. They freaked out - "You can't say that about my daddy!" and went inside (wherever - I think there was some other kind of community meeting going on) and out comes a surly 30-something who drops a not wrapped around a rock at my side. Yep. And I'm thinking, "Wow, how weird. Is this threatening, or is it just dumb?" and so instead of reading the letter, *I* wrote a note on a rock and left if by their house. It said, "Hi." But here's where it gets stressful. Some of the children ended up getting beaten by their parents for starting bad rumors (or was it leaking information?) and I'm somehow to blame for, like, stepping in when it wasn't my business, or somehow egging them on by reacting... Anyway, the parents want to meet with me to clear this up (and I'm thinking, they probably just want a piece of me) but the whole thing turns into a public hearing once word gets around. Even better is that the unanticipated crowd is large and unruly and *I'm* the only one who takes the initiative to quiet and direct them. Even though I'm the one at question. The more I think about it, the more ridiculous some of the symbolism seems to be. regardless, tonight I'm surrounding myself with posters of hawaii, or 70s porn, or instuction manuals for large appliances - ANYTHING to steer my dreams toward something relatively pleasant. (Comment on this)
Monday, October 3rd, 2005
10:59 pm	goody I wrote this, when, this past March? unfinished, as usual... sexual deception is the most awkward of the self-poisons the fear of me wanting the bold delicacy of you, which, with abortive fear and a want trailing death, becomes me again "us" and "them" was never more pertinent except in war in a crowd of fantasies you are what I wish upon myself two parts of the same want trying to tuck into each other's lap the world is a lineup, guilt is fear of the ownership all the perps are also the witnesses and you go-with for donuts after ----- you peel off petals why is there always a flower? but for these men, no fertility cold weather shut the pod preparing for a crash-down of semi-automatic generations of blazing autumns always on the verge of frost and hibernation the skin-shelled, callousing fruits go out for weekends for a husky, rustly rattle ----- I want our sex to be Our Sex (1 Comment |Comment on this)